Navigating the pain of losing a spouse

Grief is a natural response to loss and a not a one-size-fits-all process. It comes in waves, often hitting one when you least expect it.
One might experience a wide range of emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, and even relief, depending on their spouse's illness or circumstances of death. It is also common to feel numb one day and overwhelmed with emotion the next.
Accepting that these waves of emotion are normal can help ease the pressure of feeling as though you need to move on too quickly. Do not rush yourself to feel better because grief is a journey, not a race.
Holding back your emotions may seem like a way to maintain control, but bottling up feelings can prolong your grief. It is okay to cry, feel angry, or be confused about what happened.
Rather than suppressing these feelings, allow yourself to experience them fully and without judgement. Suppressed grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems. Express your feelings tangibly or creatively.
Avoid comparisons
Every individual’s grief journey is unique, so avoid comparing your experience to others, even those who have lost spouses themselves. Grieving is a deeply personal journey, and there is no set timeline or formula for moving through the pain of the loss
Support system
While it may feel like you are the only one going through this pain, you do not have to endure it alone. It is crucial to connect with others who can provide comfort and support. Friends, family members, and support groups can be a source of strength, even when you feel like isolating yourself.
Sharing your emotions, memories, and experiences with trusted people can be a great release. Sometimes, just talking about your loved one helps keep their memory alive and gives you comfort.
Being in a space where others understand your pain can be incredibly healing. Support groups provide a non-judgmental environment to express and validate feelings, share coping strategies, and listen to others’ stories.
Take care of your physical and mental health
The grieving process can take a toll on one’s physical health, and it is essential to nurture your body and mind.
Prioritise basic needs such as eating well, staying hydrated, and getting enough sleep.
Move your body because exercise and even mild physical activity, such as walking, can alleviate stress, reduce feelings of sadness, and help clear your mind as well as improve your mood.
Rest, even if sleep is difficult. Insomnia is common during grief, but rest is essential for healing. Try to establish a calming bedtime routine.
Seek professional help
If you are struggling to cope or feeling overwhelmed, consider speaking with a therapist or counsellor who specialises in grief.
They can provide coping strategies and a safe space to explore your feelings without judgment.
If your sadness persists or begins to interfere with your ability to function day-to-day and you find yourself unable to leave the house, neglecting your basic needs, or feeling hopeless for an extended period, it could be a sign of complicated grief or depression.
Reaching out to a grief therapist for professional support is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Create new routines
The loss of a spouse often means the loss of shared routines, which can leave you feeling untethered. Rebuilding new habits and activities can help you regain a sense of control and stability over your life. Establish a daily routine by starting with small, manageable tasks.
Simple activities such as morning coffee, a walk, or reading before bed can provide structure during a time of upheaval.
While it may take time, exploring new interests and finding new hobbies or activities can help you gradually move forward.
Honour their memory
Honouring your spouse’s memory can be a comforting way to cope with grief. It keeps their presence alive in your life while allowing you to reflect on the love you shared.
Create a memory box by gathering keepsakes, letters, photographs, and meaningful items that remind you of your spouse. This can be a personal tribute that you visit when you need to feel connected.
Consider organising a memorial event or small gathering to celebrate your spouse’s life.
It can be as formal or informal as you like, but it provides an opportunity to share stories and remember the good times.
Continue shared traditions by maintaining certain routines or traditions you enjoyed with your spouse, such as watching a favourite movie, celebrating holidays, or taking a particular walk as these can help keep their memory alive and offer comfort during tough moments.
Accept the duality of emotions
Grief is often a mix of conflicting emotions. You may feel sadness, anger, relief, guilt, and even moments of happiness.
It is important to understand that it is okay to experience joy after loss and that it does not diminish the love you have for your spouse.
Permit yourself to feel joy by experiencing moments of happiness, laughter, or excitement without feeling as bad or guilty as you do because it does not change the way you feel about your spouse.
Allow yourself time to heal
It is important to permit yourself to grieve as long as you need. Some days will be harder than others, and that is okay.
Be patient with yourself even when you feel pressured by others or by societal expectations to move on or get over it.
Understand that grief is a lifelong journey, and moving forward does not mean forgetting or replacing your spouse.
Do not rush into major decisions. After a loss, you might feel the need to make big life changes such as moving, selling a home, or taking on new responsibilities. If possible, wait until you have had time to process your emotions and think clearly before making significant decisions.
Remember, it is okay to grieve, to take your time, and to honour your feelings as they come. Through self-compassion, support from loved ones, and finding ways to move forward, you can rediscover meaning and healing in the face of profound loss.