Of Nyege Nyege, the forever youngs and...

There is a raging debate. The millennials (where I belong), argue that they have aged like fine wine. Mbu the Gen Zs on the other hand are aging like milk. But you see, milk can also age in a fine way, it can become amakamo, and many other beautiful things. The GenZs, not to be pressed down in tooke, argue that millennials were malnourished, that we never got a chance to be well-fed. That we are the generation that was taught the six killer diseases.
But true to it, all my bu-nephews are beating me both in height and weight. And all my bi-millenial counterparts have kept that same constant baby face, never aging, forever young. We are the generation that always must prove we are old enough to enter a night club. We have eaten our age in peace. Not until this whole rationalisation thing started.
You see, one of the things that should be rationalised are the DMs (direct messages, you old bones). Because when Facebook started, all messages were on a friend’s wall. We vibed and roasted ourselves in public. Then came the DMs and trouble started. You can be there all poetic, only to wake up one day with all your conversations in public. Can’t people vibe ko in peace? That is when they tell you to make money osilike. Mbu do you think they can leak Ham’s messages? In fact, don’t you think it is them texting Ham. So among the greatest threats in Uganda, more than even climate change, is this business of texting a Ugandan girl. It should be rationalised.
Then it hit me this week that Nyege Nyege is this weekend. Nyege has developed those habits of ‘if you know, you know.’ I even told ka-Boss baby, aka Rosie Baby, aka the Rose of this pull-out that oba I have outgrown Nyege. For a dude that attended Nyege all the way from inception, there is no reason I should be flexing with GenZs and Gen Alphas at the same grounds. She warned me mbu FOMO will kill me. That come Saturday, I will be disturbing them. 
Well, at least now I have a tent to my name. I can pitch it anywhere. Even at Eskom, I just need to remind them that I am an OB, that I was an intern at this place.
I met another friend, and he told me to confirm my presence at Nyege. On whether he should pack a Walker bottle for me. I sheepishly ignored this dialogue. You see, I have become such a demanded item in Kampala, a whole weekend in Jinja could disrupt the Kingdom I run in Kampala. And then, I still say, I have outgrown Nyege. 
In the good old days, my face would be painted, I would have a floral shirt, some funny hair style and a zombie walk. I would be jumping from boda boda to boda boda. But in these things of life, you never say never. Once you have shot a gun before, the skill never disappears. There is muscle memory. With my many Sudanese neighbours, we could come and support our own at the festival.
Have I also reported that the Naalya market is being rationalised? Gwe I swear the rationalisation is everywhere. Not that I care for this ka-market, but it always gave us some aura points. But the owners think it makes no more sense to have that kinda market in our environ. Mbu a place like Naalya, groceries should be gotten in the major supermarkets.
The rationalisation has also hit close to my relatives. Anti nga I find my Joey also crying. Mbu her great maid of over three years has tendered in a resignation. In Luganda we say, ‘Kati Joe what she is crying is what she is licking’, do not ask for a translation. I am also rationalising that. I told Joe that finally the maid transfer season has hit close. Banange, someone needs to do a proper maid training academy, a La Masia, kubanga finding a good maid is trying to find the next Messi in Uganda.
But the people that do not want to hear about rationalisation are the Ugandan girlfriends. They want us to disobey the President’s message. You cannot be rationalising on the macro and avoid the micro. When we tell them the nails can wait, they start to say mbu you want them to mock me on X. You want my bu-photos to die in the gallery. 
Someone should inform the President that we are facing resistance in our own homes. People do not want to hear about this rationalisation. What will Ugandan life look like when everything has been rationalised? Imagine not having to do that wedding to kulumya our haters? Or to post that photo in business class? Do you know how many relationships have broken up in these early stages of rationalisation? But who will rationalise the thieves? Kati imagine the rationalisation of nyege tickets… Imagine….
All my bunephews are beating me both in height and weight. And all my bi-millenial counterparts have kept that same constant baby face, never aging, forever young. We are the generation that always must prove we are old enough to enter a night club. We have eaten our age in peace. Not until this whole rationalisation thing started. 
X: @OrtegaTalks