The loneliness of leadership: When everyone sees you… but no one really sees you

Dr. Salami

You carry the title: President, Governor, Chairman, CEO, MD, Partner, Director, or Leader.

But somewhere along the journey, you started losing the one room where you could actually be real. because the higher you rise, the fewer places you can exhale.

This is the invisible cost of leadership. The kind no one talks about in strategy sessions or performance reviews. This is the loneliness that power often conceals.

The Hidden Room No One Sees

Let me introduce you to Dare (not his real name), but a very real man with a very real story.

Dare is a 44-year-old Managing Director at a multinational firm in Lagos. He is Ivy League educated, highly revered and well rewarded for his contribution.

But in one of our executive coaching sessions, Dare leaned in and whispered what many leaders never say out loud: “Abiola, I’m surrounded but I’m alone. Everyone wants my decisions but no one really ask about me.”

Dare had just lost his mother and the very next day, he delivered a flawless investor presentation because “that is what leaders do,” he said.

He showed up, smiled and hit the numbers.

But inside? Dare was grieving in isolation.

When he casually mentioned to his team that he was feeling overwhelmed, one responded with nervous laughter:

“Ah boss, if you are tired, then the rest of us are finished.”

Th translation of that statement is:

“You’re not allowed to be human. We depend on your strength to feel safe.”

So Dare kept performing strength.

He started sleeping at the office to avoid conversations at home. His kids started calling him “sir” more often than “dad.” His marriage began to fracture.

Yet the press called him a “modern leadership icon.”

Here’s what shocked me:

Dare wasn’t burnt out from work.

He was burnt out from pretending to be okay.

What Dare was experiencing is something I call Emotional Isolation in Executive Spaces. It is a silent epidemic of quiet leaders who look like success but feel like shadows.

I’ve coached many high-performing leaders across industries and continents, and here’s what I’ve learned:

Loneliness is not the absence of people, it is the absence of being seen.

This is an invisible cost of leadership.

Let’s put language to what leaders feel but rarely voice.

I call this framework the 4 P’s of the Invisible Toll of Leadership:

1. Pressure Without Permission

You are applauded for being “resilient.” but no one gives you permission to pause. You are expected to just handle it because of the perks, the status and the extrinsic rewards and vulnerability feels like a luxury you can’t afford.

2. Presence Without Intimacy

You are in every room that matters but none that nourish you. You are networked but not nurtured because everyone wants access to your calendar but not your heart and wellbeing.

3. Power Without Partnership

People defer to you but very few know you. You are respected but not necessarily reached.

4. Performance Without Processing

You keep delivering results even while emotionally hemorrhaging. You hit quarterly targets while shrinking quietly on the inside.

Consequently, you become what I call a Functional Ghost. This means you are visible, productive but hollow.

This doesn’t just apply to corporate executives as I have seen it in Founders, Pastors, NGO leaders, Presidents, Governors and anyone whose leadership role requires emotional suppression to maintain authority.

One of the core truths of emotional intelligence is that leaders who ignore their emotions don’t lead better.; rather they just leak worse. This is because unprocessed tension always finds its way out in tone, in dismissiveness, in quiet emotional numbness and in burnout disguised as “being busy.”

Truth is, you can’t outperform what you refuse to process.

So what do you do when you’re the strong one but you are tired of being strong?

Here are three soul-aligned strategies to help you navigate the loneliness:

1. Build a Personal Boardroom

You sit on multiple boards but who’s on yours? So, create a circle of 2–4 trusted people who are not impressed by your title, who can challenge you with love, pray for you behind closed doors and remind you who you are without applause.

2. Book Non-Transactional Time

Give yourself the dignity of being known. Once a month, block time to connect with Coach or Therapist where no work is discussed. It should not be a strategy meeting or a mentorship session. It should just be a space for you to be human.

Visit www.tppafrica.com for the full article

About Dr. Abiola Salami

Dr. Abiola Salami is the Convener of Dr Abiola Salami International Leadership Bootcamp ; The Peak PerformerTM Festival and The New Year Kickoff Summit. He is the Principal Performance Strategist at CHAMP – a full scale professional services firm trusted by high performing business leaders for providing Executive Coaching, Workforce Development & Advisory Services to improve performance. You can reach his team on [email protected] and connect with him @abiolachamp on all social media platforms