8 Things You Should Never Apologize For As You Get Older

A distinguished older man with a dramatic white beard and styled hair wears a thick, luxurious fur coat and a heavy chain necklace, gazing upward against a clear turquoise sky.

Many of us are chronic over-apologizers. For some, it’s due to people-pleasing or the aftermath of having dealt with dominating or abusive families. In other cases, the apologies may be cultural or generational — in Canada, the UK, and Japan, people can apologize up to a dozen times a day!

As you get older, however, there may be many things that you feel obligated to say “sorry” for that don’t require any apology whatsoever (and no apology should be expected for them either). Things like these:

1. Showing natural signs of aging.

Many of us grew up with parents and grandparents who felt the need to apologize for having the audacity to age. Our mothers, aunts, and grandmothers, in particular, would often apologize for having visibly undyed hair roots or for not having makeup on if someone dropped by unannounced. Similarly, our male elders apologized for not getting up if they were in pain or dealing with a health issue that tired them out.

There’s absolutely no need to apologize for having grey hair, needing to take out your glasses to read something, using a mobility aid, or just existing in an older body. You haven’t “let yourself go” if you don’t still have the figure or physical capabilities of a 25-year-old: you’re simply aging naturally and beautifully, and this aging process often requires accommodations.

2. Prioritizing the things that make you happy.

This morning, I saw a post from a middle-aged influencer on Instagram in which they lauded their “clean, healthy” lifestyle, which is free from the vices of coffee, chocolate, pain medication, or toilet paper. I wish them all the best, but I would sooner self-defenestrate than give all of those up at this point in my life.

It’s a sad truth that the older we get, the less time we have on this gorgeous planet of ours. As such, there’s nothing wrong with prioritizing the things that bring you joy. If my life were to end tomorrow, I’d be happy that I had a chocolate croissant for breakfast today instead of a kale smoothie, and that I spent the early afternoon reading a wonderful book outside in the sunshine.

3. Protecting your mental or physical health.

One thing that most people realize as they age is that they no longer have the fortitude to withstand the same amount of stress or emotional turmoil. Situations that might have caused them anxiety or anger in their youth might cause them severe distress now, and could even lead to something more serious, like a heart attack or stroke. Similarly, bugs they could fight off in a weekend before might flatten them for months in their older years.

You never need to apologize for distancing yourself from situations (or people) that threaten your well-being, be it mental or physical. It’s okay to decline invitations from those who stress you out, or to cancel plans if you know that someone in attendance has been ill recently.

4. Saying “no” to things you don’t want to do.

Whether it’s an invitation to your nephew’s accordion recital or a funeral for someone you haven’t seen since third grade, you don’t have to apologize for your nonattendance. You can simply decline with grace, wish them the best, and depending on the situation, send a card or a gift in your stead.

Far too many people have suffered through awful situations that sucked out their will to live because they didn’t want to disappoint others by saying “no”. Life is far too short to spend wincing through an awful event, counting down the seconds until you can flee from it.

5. Other people’s poor behavior.

One of the many things we learn as we get older is that everyone is responsible for their own actions. Taking responsibility for someone else’s behavior means that the other person is never held accountable for wrongdoing because someone else is carrying that burden for them.

If your adult children, your aging parents, your cantankerous partner, or your flighty friends say or do something appalling, that’s on them: not you. Feel free to call them out when and if they behave like jackasses, but never, ever apologize on their behalf. Their wrongdoing is their own shame to carry — not yours.

6. Protecting your boundaries.

As we get older, other people may try to overstep our boundaries in an attempt to control or manipulate us. For example, relatives might attempt to invite themselves to your place and stay longer than you’d like them to, or salespeople may try to coerce you into buying things that you neither need nor want.

If you’ve spent years as a chronic people-pleaser, now is the time to stop that behavior in its tracks. Put up your boundaried walls and defend them well. Let your relatives know how long they’ll be welcome, and if they try to stay longer, give your children or grandchildren some recorder flutes and ask them to entertain everyone until they leave. Similarly, if anyone gets pushy with you about something you don’t want, remind them that you have already answered “no”, and that’s the end of it.

7. Changing your mind.

How often have you eaten something at a restaurant that you didn’t particularly like because you ordered something and then immediately regretted doing so, but didn’t speak up about it? A lot of people do this because they’re afraid of being judged by the server or their dining companion for doing so. And as a result, they end up having a rather unpleasant experience instead of a truly enjoyable one.

You’re allowed to change your mind whenever you need to, and you don’t have to apologize for doing so. If you agree to meet with someone and then get a horrible red flag energy warning about it, you can decide that it’s not a good idea and cancel plans. Similarly, if you settle down with a book and discover that you despise it after three pages, you can choose not to finish it and pick up another instead.

8. Taking up space.

Many people find it both difficult and painful to realize that we become more and more invisible as we age. Furthermore, our mere presence may irritate those who see us as annoyances to tolerate or negotiate around. They may huff and make rude remarks if we take too long to order at a cafe counter, or if we move more slowly than they’d prefer, but that’s a “them” issue.

You never need to apologize for simply existing in the world. You have as much right to take up space in public places as everyone else, and you don’t have to make yourself “less” for the sake of ensuring that some random stranger finds you more palatable.

Final thoughts…

It may take some effort to learn how to stop apologizing constantly, especially if it has become second nature to you over the years. If you find that you feel that you should be saying “sorry”, take a moment to ask yourself whether this apology is truly warranted.

For example, would you expect it from anyone else in the same situation? If the answer is a solid “no”, then you know that you aren’t obligated to do so either, regardless of how other judgmental people in your life feel about it.